entanglement

entanglement, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

once, long ago, we knew what it was to be indescribably close
without choking each other.
there was no thirst, lust, madness or grief.
sometimes i remember this place,
but usually when i think of it, i feel this very acute, empty feeling
that i can only describe as true homesickness.

i have been walking in state of profound feeling the past few days.
i have danced the edge of pleasure, slipped into pain.
i've said goodbye to a home i've loved, loathed, clung to, resented, honored and eventually came to peace with. and i'm glad. north montpelier really is some divine land. every morning i woke to the sound of nature speaking. whether in the guise of laughing grackle or howling blizzard wind. divine snowstorms, lush summer breezes touching my face through my open bedroom door. the sound of the pickerel frogs in the field. the smell of apples fermenting on the earth. the mud of the driveway. the steepness of the hill which in the end, proved a jolly walk rather than an exhausting chore. i fell in love, or perhaps respect or reverence with NoMo before i left, and as simple as it was to leave, it was also so very hard.
Now i'm staying at a friend's flat in montpelier, and the extent of the generosity, gentleness and patience shared with me is amazing. i have been in a state of silt dredged from the bed of the river. my heart aches and trembles, rises and falls. my body is in it's moon time, and that too presses its palm to my soul's brow. as much as i can manage, i surrender to the moment and allow every bit of beauty i can notice to soak into my heart. i take every bit of pleasure and relish it. i feel thin and exhausted, but i also know that even in this state, i am profoundly privileged, and i know that far more intense and taxing lessons are to follow. but then, why compare? is it not a barefoot mountain climb to give away your belongings, burn your journals, and give up your hermitage? is it not a canoe journey across the ocean to give yourself bit by bit to god rather than to the grind of your own surmising?
leap and the net shall appear. we plan and god laughs. two quotes that continue to speak to me, and remind me that no matter how disoriented i may feel now, profound love is all around me, and i need only be willing to take it in. it's amazing how when we feel wounded or slighted or exhausted that we close ourselves off from love. we shut down our heart and our bodies, perhaps out of a crude attempt to protect ourselves from further damage? but we allowed the elements to enter which would trigger the aches in the first place. we needed to know. we needed to feel the veins of rot running through our illusion facades of strength. we are all so beautiful, but to hide the sickness inside of us is truly deadly. the pain we hide will devour us in the end should we not recognize it for what it is. pain is the voice of our empty, neglected selves. the lover left with a black eye to the heart, to the body. the brilliant child uncelebrated who grows bitter and cruel.
how entangled we all are in our pain, in the passion plays, the dramas of our hearts both hard and bleeding. there is a purpose to all of this, but sometimes it is just so daunting. i have had tastes of divine simplistic glee, where everything just works and is beautiful and in all honesty, makes perfect 'sense'. when i inform logic that i've had enough of projection and screaming, something far more rich and amazing takes hold. it is not always comfortable, it is not always gentle. it has a great deal to teach, and very little to say. it is silence and expansiveness and awe. tao. the void. in that stillness, there is a certainty, clean and raw as rain.

until next time,
love, discernment and boundless adventure
- A.