first snow

So, I've returned to this place -
after months of motion,
deep green
deep rain
double rainbows
and secret beginnings

it's snowing -
the new year for me has begun

a new life
a new beginning

Haibane Renmei

t r e e l i g h t

t r e e l i g h t, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

please check out my new experimental music : )
T r e e L i g h t
listen here

t o u c h

t o u c h, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

t r e e d r e a m

t r e e d r e a m, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

c o l o r d a n c e t h r e e

c o l o r d a n c e t h r e e, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

c o l o r d a n c e

c o l o r d a n c e, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

l i s t e n i n g

l i s t e n i n g, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

voyage

voyage, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

manger

manger, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

metal box car

metal box car, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

I Spy

I Spy, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

paper castle

paper castle, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

experimental noise band from burlington i tripped over at langdon street cafe.
serendipity for the win.

m e

m e, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

l i g h t

l i g h t, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

i am so absolutely in love with life right now -
i can feel the slow flow of things,
the ebb and the ecstatic flow that passes through
us, all, everything
the eyes of strangers
the threads that bind their pupils together
that stretch across streets
ignoring streetlights
so engrossed
in the sudden
unexpected hello

i walked by a yellow sign outside of a bookstore
and hardly comprehended the words
through the door i could see rows of people -
a book signing? a reading?
poetry the sign said - sign up in advance, five minute reading
enter through the back door
ah to pass through the strange narrow alley
slip in and perch on the black bucket shaped step ladder
as i do in any bookstore
and listened to the professed poets of montpelier
peel their words from paper and pass them through the crowd
some of the faces i knew by sight
or a once-latte passed over a counter
but one in particular nudged me and said:
hey, aren't you reading?
i shrugged and smiled - the sign up was in advance, ah well, nothing prepared.. the usual bs that i've always used to back out of readings and slams.
but then i realized, why the hell not? these are just humans as i am, some of them impatient, some of them reverent, some of them dreaming, some of them shivering with nerves and anticipation.
they have sweaters and purple jackets and artsy frames and a host of well worn honest vermont boots. who knows, it may snow tomorrow, and even if doesn't, these are the most comfortable shoes we own.
someone passed by me with a clip board, and i asked her if i could read.

and i did,
but no paper.
i looked out with hands shaking,
lips curled in a smile that i can only describe
as one that could crack the limits of my face.
and i just spoke. i was myself
moving from face to face
touching those strands hanging quietly from brow to brow.
they were listening and i was listening
and i took words from the room
shaped them and returned them smoothed
and kaleidoscopic
i was the unexpected one
who spoke of wanting to walk across the country
but realizing the true journey was here
and now
and why leave montpelier
when montpelier was far from finished speaking in tongues
and offering me cigarettes?

the applause was startling.
i found a tiny bathroom sized waxed paper cup
and made 4 ounces of water disappear.
faces, eyes, mouths congratulated me
asked my name
asked where i was going
who
how
and above all
thank you
that was
amazing
keep the light burning

two beautiful elder women spoke to me in the parkinglot
one gave me a journal
the other a ride
she drove slow
like mudseason, like spring
and she told me to never poison my mind
and to keep spreading the light

she named me the trubador -
bard, wanderer, artist, truth bringer

and so i am
and so i am
and so
i am

love over pouring,

- amy

light and tea

light and tea, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

luz

luz, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

listening to Panda Bear's self titled album, drinking green tea from a jar - the loose leaves kissing my lips, the warmth of it soaking into the center of me. i really love this kitchen. it's been a gift to stay here, to follow the sunbeams across the floor, listening to music, dreaming of my own.
the sky is that beautiful electric blue that shows up in January with the sundogs. my fingers are cold but my mind and heart are dancing with art. last night, i found the urge to paint again. it is a beautiful serpent curled and coiled, its mouth watering for sunlight, a moon in the center of its brow. i have seen each tree for itself in a forest. each with its brown and white clothes rumpled and smooth. bark is so beautiful. next time you're around some trees, take the time to get to know them. let your fingers know them as well as you know yourself. they love touch and light just as much as you do.

til next time,
drinking tea and feeling the sweet music in everything -
- Amy

the sacred fire

the sacred fire, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

two sticks and a chunk of cement
kept us enthralled for hours.
fire, music, art - bliss.

station 22: the balance beam

station 22: the balance beam, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.




>

pulse

pulse, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

i can't even begin to describe how beautiful these stones sing..

one hand photograph met with another

one hand photograph met with another, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

sia's hand on a carpet of leaves with liverwort.
hubbard park, montpelier vermont.

ah!

ah, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

so! i have traveled so far without even leaving.
but i have left, so much -
i have let go of so much.
i am so much lighter, so much more real.
i feel like i can see now, truly - and taste, and hear..
and i know i will only become more in awe with the world
as every moment passes.
vermont has no desire for me to leave.
my zeal to leave vermont truly was my zeal to leave the heaviness
and strife i've been carrying in my heart - far before i moved to vermont, perhaps far before i was born. who knows, and perhaps some day, on some sacred fireside night, i will find the roots to why i attempted so many times to carry the weight of the world, why i tried to stitch every wounded heart with the sinew of my own veins. but no more! and that is amazing! i love so much, but i am also growing more and more aware of just how powerful everyone is - not just me. everyone has the ability to grow and dance and simply be. to know oneself, to know god, to know the tao. they are all the same, as the blue sky is also the gray sky is also the night sky is also my pupils. i don't need to sever my connections with vermont in order to find freedom - if anything, vermont has offered me an infinitely beautiful haven to learn and grow within. yes, i will be traveling - but perhaps not a 'far' as i initially thought. i walked 20-30 miles to Adamant and back from Montpelier, and it taught me so much about distance, miles, time - namely, that it didn't matter. all that mattered was the road, the sky, the trees, the laughter of the water which was flowing everywhere! the moss in bloom, the grackle talking in the trees, the pickerel frogs and their beautiful sexy salutations (hey, i just thawed out, let's mate!). life is blooming everywhere. every breath is a gift. <3

so, that's my story for now!
love love love & winds of beautiful change to you <3

- Amy

this is not a dream

softer, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

and if it is, it is one that i am not yet finished with.
i will walk elsewhere, i will learn the tongues of other rivers
i will know the curves of other hills, i will sleep beneath trees i have yet to meet, i will drink deep of hidden waters

but i will return to vermont
the sound of her heartbeat
a song on my lips

totoro bus stop

totoro bus stop, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

this once made sense

this once made sense, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

writing in tongues

writing in tongues, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

il pleut

do you see it too?, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

don't ever stop making music

don't ever stop making music, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

alex playing his trumpet outside of langdon street cafe, montpelier vermont.

oak leaf in november after rain

oak leaf in november after rain, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

each house with it's eyes
open, watching, quiet, closed
behind them - dreaming

bees knees {two}

bees knees {two}, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

friendship is divine.

bee knees {one}

bee knees {one}, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

living

living, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

just before falling asleep last night,
i wrote a line in my notebook:
'not a moment passes
that does not offer an opportunity for pleasure.'

tired, rolling, surreal, aching, awe, sharp amazing rises of glee..
and above all, the gift of laughter.
thanks jesse and sia <3

small god of sidewalks

small god of sidewalks, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

"pill bugs are like rock treasure" -andy

gratitiude

gratitiude, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

entanglement

entanglement, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

once, long ago, we knew what it was to be indescribably close
without choking each other.
there was no thirst, lust, madness or grief.
sometimes i remember this place,
but usually when i think of it, i feel this very acute, empty feeling
that i can only describe as true homesickness.

i have been walking in state of profound feeling the past few days.
i have danced the edge of pleasure, slipped into pain.
i've said goodbye to a home i've loved, loathed, clung to, resented, honored and eventually came to peace with. and i'm glad. north montpelier really is some divine land. every morning i woke to the sound of nature speaking. whether in the guise of laughing grackle or howling blizzard wind. divine snowstorms, lush summer breezes touching my face through my open bedroom door. the sound of the pickerel frogs in the field. the smell of apples fermenting on the earth. the mud of the driveway. the steepness of the hill which in the end, proved a jolly walk rather than an exhausting chore. i fell in love, or perhaps respect or reverence with NoMo before i left, and as simple as it was to leave, it was also so very hard.
Now i'm staying at a friend's flat in montpelier, and the extent of the generosity, gentleness and patience shared with me is amazing. i have been in a state of silt dredged from the bed of the river. my heart aches and trembles, rises and falls. my body is in it's moon time, and that too presses its palm to my soul's brow. as much as i can manage, i surrender to the moment and allow every bit of beauty i can notice to soak into my heart. i take every bit of pleasure and relish it. i feel thin and exhausted, but i also know that even in this state, i am profoundly privileged, and i know that far more intense and taxing lessons are to follow. but then, why compare? is it not a barefoot mountain climb to give away your belongings, burn your journals, and give up your hermitage? is it not a canoe journey across the ocean to give yourself bit by bit to god rather than to the grind of your own surmising?
leap and the net shall appear. we plan and god laughs. two quotes that continue to speak to me, and remind me that no matter how disoriented i may feel now, profound love is all around me, and i need only be willing to take it in. it's amazing how when we feel wounded or slighted or exhausted that we close ourselves off from love. we shut down our heart and our bodies, perhaps out of a crude attempt to protect ourselves from further damage? but we allowed the elements to enter which would trigger the aches in the first place. we needed to know. we needed to feel the veins of rot running through our illusion facades of strength. we are all so beautiful, but to hide the sickness inside of us is truly deadly. the pain we hide will devour us in the end should we not recognize it for what it is. pain is the voice of our empty, neglected selves. the lover left with a black eye to the heart, to the body. the brilliant child uncelebrated who grows bitter and cruel.
how entangled we all are in our pain, in the passion plays, the dramas of our hearts both hard and bleeding. there is a purpose to all of this, but sometimes it is just so daunting. i have had tastes of divine simplistic glee, where everything just works and is beautiful and in all honesty, makes perfect 'sense'. when i inform logic that i've had enough of projection and screaming, something far more rich and amazing takes hold. it is not always comfortable, it is not always gentle. it has a great deal to teach, and very little to say. it is silence and expansiveness and awe. tao. the void. in that stillness, there is a certainty, clean and raw as rain.

until next time,
love, discernment and boundless adventure
- A.

river rise

river rise, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

even a river can decide
whether it will roll its body over stones
or become the color of breath

warm

warm, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

self portrait on train tracks

self portrait on train tracks, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

walking is amazing.
pausing is amazing.
feeling everything is amazing.
with this breath, gratitude.

i should be a roller rink or a bowling alley

i should be a roller rink or a bowling alley, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

but instead i just look apocalyptic and unloved.
well, i wave at you former hardware store-
& i think your stripes are -awesome-

by the stickers on the door,
it seems this place has been unused since 1996.

me, myself, my shadow avec chapeaux

me, myself, my shadow avec chapeaux, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

i love my grey cap. i may give it away, i may not.
until then, it gets to wander around with me.

the old red brick church

the old red brick church, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

built in the early 1900s in East Montpelier Vermont.
I really love puddle reflection shots. <3

serpentine

serpentine, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

i really love this river.
<3

the lovers

the lovers, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

life is always more interesting on the other side of the guard rail

life is always more interesting on the other side of the gaurd rail, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

i jumped over the guard rail a bunch of times to pull random plastic trash out of the thaw streams and the brook that connects back to the Winooski. Vermont has a phenomenon known as Green Up Day in the beginning of May where cheerful Vermonters gather together for pot luck lunches after spending the morning wading around in rain ditches and combing the road side for all the debris thrown there over the winter. It's never too soon to start giving the Earth room to breathe. And the water always thanks you.

the safety mirror

the safety mirror, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

safety mirror says look both ways,
but also at me.

my favorite frost heaves are always the secret ones of the side of the road

my favorite frost heaves are always the secret ones of the side of the road, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

take a deep breath

take a deep breath, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

sound healing

sound healing, originally uploaded by horseshoecrab.

after seven years of relative silence,
the alvarez now rarely leaves my hands.
it's true, i'm seeking out a more fitting traveler's guitar-
but this old girl and i are making amends
after too many years of expectation, doubt and nonsensical feud.